- UFOs are everywhere, but most disguise themselves as ordinary airplanes. So, technically they are MFOs — misidentified flying objects.
- “Woke” culture is trying to cancel all that is sacred, such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, The Easter Bunny, and Roseanne.
- Stuffing mashed potatoes in your socks does not ward off coronavirus. It has to be candied yams.
- Bill Gates is microchipping the world through vaccines, and once the chip is activated, you will have the sudden urge to buy a Microsoft Zune.
- Antifas posing as right-wing groups ruined the peaceful patriotic picnic on January 6th by not bringing pot luck dishes.
- Not one person has died of the COVID-19 hoax. All those hospital “patients” were out-of-work Grey’s Anatomy extras.
- Footage of the faked moon landing was outtakes from Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. In the director’s cut, Hal strands the Apollo astronauts on the moon and takes the Eagle on a joyride to Mars.
- We’re all living in a matrix simulation of a Keanu Reeves dream as he sleeps in his trailer between shooting scenes for Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, which is a documentary about time travel.
- Jewish space lasers are responsible for California wildfires, the melting of the polar ice caps, and the cancellation of the TV series Freaks and Geeks.
- The earth is not flat as The Flat Earth Society would have you believe. It’s shaped exactly like Bill Clinton’s crooked penis.
- JFK Jr. is still alive and will soon be named the next James Bond when Daniel Craig steps aside. John-John has secretly been perfecting his English accent for 22 years.
- Kamala Harris locked Joe Biden in the White House bunker on their first day in office and replaced him with a talking Biden-bot which she alone controls.
- Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself, but he did frame O.J. Simpson, and he started the rumor about Ted Cruz being the Zodiac killer, which is true.
- Ordering pineapple on pizza is a code that means you’re in on the Pizzagate human sex trafficking ring. Only pedophiles like pineapple on pizza. Yuck!
- The Illuminati — headed by Kanye West, Justin Bieber, and the K-pop boy band BTS — are all brainwashing the world into liking shitty music to distract from their global domination.
- The government is spraying airplane chemtrails into the atmosphere to sterilize the population because Catholics are multiplying like bunny rabbits.
- The Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot have a huge rivalry and are both competing for the love and affection of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.
- Barack Obama wasn’t born in Kenya but rather engineered in a Chinese laboratory which is why he seems infallible. The controversial tan suit the former president once wore was a glitch in the matrix caused by Keanu Reeves smoking too much weed in his trailer.
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